Soccer fanatics – you’ve been had!

Aha! You fell for it! My scathing criticism of soccer in my recent post here has baited at least one hot-headed soccer fan. A few weeks ago I wrote, “The World Cup, and Why Soccer Will Never Succeed in the U.S.” I claimed that that nothing really happens in soccer because long-haired men run around aimlessly for hours.

Proof that Kevin likes soccer

Now I’ve reaped the worldwind, it seems. A reader, Asit G., a professional soccer player from India, has hurled a thunderbolt at me, articulately answering my objections point by point, saying, “you don’t have an honest view in any sense of the word.”

Well, Asit, I admit, my entire column was just a sham, deliberately poisoned with biting words meant to incite the true fanaticism of soccer fans, whom we all know will riot at a game and burn cars after a bad ref call. (Cubs fans here in Chicago just fall asleep.)

I, in fact enjoy soccer very much, having played it in college. I even played it two weeks ago, where in my neighborhood you have to yell “Aqui, aqui” or you won’t get the ball. Just to prove to the rabid soccer fans all over the world, I have snapped a photo, at left, of myself having a swell time kicking the ball in my backyard. You can see from the well-worn ball that I have nearly destroyed it with all my practice. The sandal shows that I am cool, just like the Asians, who will dash out of their work places during tea time, jeopardizing their jobs, to kick the ball around and yuk it up with a few chums.

Just to give you fair play, Asit, I have reprinted your passionate response below. But I would advise you not to say your last words here to anyone wearing a Cub’s baseball cap.

Hi,

I read your release and must say that you don’t have an honest view in any sense of the word. It is, to be more precise, an “uneducated” view by someone who has limited his judgement on the basis of one tournament.

1. Bad time clock: The clock you see on TV runs upwards. All stadium clocks count down. In injury time, i.e. time added on for stoppages, the referee and fourth official signal the exact amount of added time, which is also counted on the clocks in the stadiums. Its a pity if you can’t add 90   2, because that is all that you need to do.

2. No crowd cheering: The buzzing noise of the Vuvuzelas was, and is, native only to South Africa. The game of soccer is more tactical than basketball or baseball (not american football though) and requires the players to slowly dismantle the opponents in a game of chess. There is beauty in the build-up play and all over the world, people do cheer them up. In fact, watch soccer games from England, where they sing along with the game. The atmosphere is insane, nothing like you can see in any American sport.

3. Long Hair is just a fashion statement. American athletes also have long hair, no, wait, they don’t. You see, it might get caught in all that gear they wear to protect themselves…

4. Freezing stadium: There is a difference in the seasons of the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. The seasons flip around. The summer in the Northern Hemisphere becomes Winter in the Southern, and vice versa.

As for American sports, it was a Canadian who came up with Basketball… Baseball was just a different way of playing cricket… Ice Hockey was played in Canada first because they had too much ice and snow, and too little grass, to play field hockey. As for American football, it ain’t even football. Its just a pansier version of Rugby which was too hard for Americans to digest.

Please get your facts right before you decide to take something on that’s bigger than what can fit in that tiny little baseball cap of yours.